If I had titled this post as How to survive Indian Marriage , I could have got more readers, and actually I could have done that because, in India, wedding and marriages are used inter-changeably. People may ask you, that when is your “Marriage” Anniversary or are you happily “wed” for all these years.
Moving on, this post will help you survive this wedding season, with some jargons and characters important to understand before going to these wedding:
Ashirwaad aka Blessings
The Blessings in weddings are coded, heart warming terminologies. Some of the most common in use are :
Sada Suhagan Raho: Translation- “Stay Married (No matter how miserable your husband is)”
Ayushmaan Bahva: Translation- “Get some Brains you Dumb-ass”
Jug- Jug Jiyo: Translation- “Live for Centuries and be a Zombie.”
Important Wedding Characters
The Polar Bear Aunty :
Super adaptive and powerful, The Polar Bear Aunty (aka T-PBA) is a creature that even Charles Darwin failed to understand. Taking “the survival of the fittest” phrase quite literally, T-PBA can survive in the winter wedding of Delhi farmhouse wearing a backless dress/saree without expressing any kind of discomfort. When you spot them, my suggestion is act normal, do not offer your blazer. No matter how humane your intentions might be but you may offend a T-PBA by not recognizing their super powers.
The Vulture Aunty
The Vulture Aunty (T-VA) feeds on the soul of unmarried youth between 20-30 years of age. They are normally mid 30s to early 40s, so bored by their married life that they make sure, no one else is having fun. They usually hunt in groups and they might Jack Bauer your ass by asking questions like “Beta, what is your?…..What is your Package?…when do you want to get married ?..Melody itni chocolatie kyu hai? (Ok, not the last one )”. Their soul purpose is to see , if they can be responsible in getting you hooked. Sound like good people, right ? I will not answer that one.
[Note: Watchout for the hybrid The Polar Bear Vulture Aunty (T-PBVA). Aunty in Backless asking you matrimonial questions]
The Kejriwal Uncle
While you see , all these creatures who have spend the last of their savings in getting ready for this wedding, hours spend in parlor but suddenly you see an uncle who dares to enter the banquet wearing a muffler and ill fitted Monte Carlo sweater. Such uncles are called The Kejriwal Uncle (T-KU). Most of the people in the party are offended the the uncle. They are like, “How dare him to feel cold?….., why is he coughing to justify his muffler?”. T-KU will try to act as normal and inclusive as possible but you might be jealous because he came as he wanted to the wedding, without any pressure to look good.
The Selfie Herd
This is the new evolution. The Selfie Herd is the group of teenage girls who will document the entire process of attending a wedding party through photographs. They are dangerous photo journalistic group who usually follow following procedures :
1. Solo Selfie against the bathroom mirror with A smile, fake dimple, uploaded in the facebook before the visit to the wedding. You will notice loads of “less than 3” in the comment (< 3), which I have failed to understand the meaning of.
2. Group Selfie just outside the Venue: With atleast 1 girl who cant stand vertical, some with side bends and the tallest one leaning over the shortest one.
3. Food Selfie which will be Instagramed immidiately.
4. Dresses will be later put on pinterest, again with loads of “less than 3s” (< 3)
Some of the members of the herd might be meeting for the first time, but you can never find that our from the pictures. Some wise man(that is how I refer myself in third person) had said, that a picture of a teenage girl says one thousand
This post is getting too long. More details in the part 2. #OkBye
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